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by FiveBoxes Staff | 2013-01-15 9:07 

The liberals and the media (but I repeat myself) are hellbent on regulating gun rights. Now, far be it from them to use any sort of logic in their arguments, and we don’t expect them to understand how if a right is regulated, it’s no longer a right but a privilege. So we propose the following:

Since the media is so in favor of regulating the Second Amendment, let’s take a look at doing some regulating of the First Amendment.

  1. Since they’re in favor of mandatory training for people to own a firearm so that firearm owners will be responsible, we recommend mandatory testing of all journalists to ensure that they’re reporting responsibly. So if they want to write an article on firearms and the Second Amendment, they would need to pass a test to ensure they know all the facts about firearms and firearm nomenclature, the Second Amendment, and the history of the Second Amendment. If you don’t possess a license to report on a certain topic, you cannot report on that topic or else you’re guilty of a felony. And since things change, to make sure they’re responsible journalists, they need to re-test to maintain their license.
  2. Since they’re in favor of a national register of firearm owners, there should be a national register of journalists and their licenses. Prior to publishing any article, they must fill out a form and have their licenses checked for validity.
  3. Since they’re in favor of waiting periods before buying firearms, all news articles should be sequestered for 14 days before publication.
  4. Since they’re in favor of limitations on the number of rounds a magazine can hold, there should be a limited distribution of every news article. After all, one erroneous report or “loose cannon” journalist could negatively affect the lives of millions of people. A distribution cap of 100 people should be more than enough. 
  5. Since they’re in favor of restricting the amount of ammunition people can buy, journalists should be limited in the number of words they use and what words they use. After all, words can be powerful weapons, the pen mightier than the sword and all that. So let’s limit them to 100 words and no inflammatory language. Don’t want to upset anyone.
  6. Since they want to force gun owners to keep their guns locked up at all times and be required to have biometric devices to prevent unauthorized use, they cannot possess laptops, their desktop computers must be secured inside a safe, and they must keep their thumb on a thumbprint scanner while typing to ensure no one wrestled them away from the computer to write an inflammatory article.
  7. Since they want to check mental health statuses of all gun owners, every journalist must undergo a mental fitness check every 6 months by three psychiatrists. Anyone taking any medications for depression, anxiety, ADHD, or other mental problems will have their journalism license revoked. Wouldn’t want them posting something while in an altered state of mind. Also, their computer would have a built-in breathalyzer to ensure they have a blood alcohol content of 0.0 when writing.

There. Now the American people can rest easy knowing that their news is — at last — safe to read.

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Comments (2)

2 Responses to “While we’re regulating rights…”

  1. giantslor Says:

    The First Amendment is already regulated. You can’t reproduce someone else’s intellectual work. You can’t use someone else’s trademark. You can’t commit libel or slander. You can’t yell “fire” in a crowded building. You can’t use “fighting words” that directly promote violence. You can’t give defense secrets to our enemies. The list goes on. The First Amendment is not absolute, and neither is the Second.

  2. John Gill Says:

    But all those things you speak of are after the fact.

    No one is putting a gag on you when you walk into a movie theater to prevent you from shouting “fire!” There is no oversight of the media or blogs or Facebook to approve things as non-slanderous and non-libelous before being published. While there is the US Patent & Trademark Office, you don’t have to send your logo or trade name to them prior to using it to get approval. Every one of those things you mention, without exception, have laws punishing the act not regulations preventing the act.

    The post is illustrating the absurdity of gun control laws by applying the same type of regulations to the first amendment in order to show how ridiculously stupid these proposed regulations are.